Mirror

by Elara

I looked into the mirror and I didn’t see me.

Only a stranger. A lie.

“How are you?” people asked. All the time. 

Did they really care?

For the first time I glimpsed what lay hidden. That secret truth.

I ran.

“How are you?”

“I’m fine.” 

(They didn’t get to know the truth; nor did I)

I didn’t feel myself. I ate very little.

People worried. Or said they did.

“How are you?”

“I’m fine.” 

(I didn’t want to eat, I didn’t know why, I do now)

I had love, briefly. It was wrong. False.

Not her. Me. I wasn’t me.

“How are you?”

“I’m fine.” 

(But who am I)

My life was taken over by study,  every waking moment consumed.

I wasn’t very good at it.

“How are you?”

“I’m fine.” 

(I can’t think, no room to think, maybe a blessing)

I saw and lived a wider world.

Discovered life isn’t so limited as I believed.

My mind expanded. 

My thoughts ran wild.

“How are you?”

“I’m fine.” 

(But who am I)

One cold afternoon alone with my thoughts. I looked beyond that veil again.

I didn’t run.

“How are you?”

“I’m fine.” 

(I’m not who I thought I was)

I hunted information.

I searched both the internet and myself.

“How are you?”

“I’m fine.” 

(Why did you keep this from me)

She. Her. Hers. Girl. Words that sparked joy.

I don’t know why it took me so long to understand.

“How are you?”

“I’m fine.” 

(Is this who I am)

I talked to people. Some listened and loved.

Some didn’t.

“How are you?”

“I’m fine.” 

(But you hate me for trying to be me)

I found others like me. I knew, for the first time, I wasn’t fake. 

Only lost.

I thought I could trust family. I was wrong.

“How are you?”

“I’m fine.” 

(I’m alone and scared)

It was too much. Too much hate. I planned behind their back. I ran.

This time I ran towards myself.

“How are you?”

“I’m fine.” 

(I have no home of my own)

A needle in my arm. A piece of paper with official words scribbled on it.

I stuck a patch on my side. A pill in my mouth. For the first time I breathed.

“How are you?”

“I’m fine.” 

(I can cry again now)

I discovered deeper truths. Binary is false, life is infinite.

I lived a lie all my life. I was broken. Lost. Betrayed.

“How are you?”

“I’m fine.” 

(Maybe one day)

I found love again. She loved the real me. Not the mask.

She was like me. She understood.

“How are you?”

“I’m healing.”

I looked in the mirror and I saw me.

In all my beautiful, scarred glory, I saw me.