A scab to pick off

by Elizabeth Ponds (Twitter, WordPress, IG: pondsyo95)

Content warnings: compulsory sexuality, sex


Once again 
I wanted….
I wanted my Asexuality to be a scab I could pick off and flick
onto the carpet of my college apartment
where I had never fallen in love,
where I had let men and women, enbys and agenders, fall in love with me.
 
I should be a hetero.
That was a fucking vibe all the way into year 21,
drinking cheap Wal-mart wine and swiping on Tinder
to see which guy looked pretty enough to maybe change me this time.
Wasn’t that a fucking vibe
to know that I would be fucking myself up
by letting him fuck me?
“Vibes” hadn’t entered the lexicon in 2017,
but it was there all the same.
 
I said, hey, I’m capable.
I could respond appropriately.
My body needs no help.
So coffee and conversation and a self-sabotage invitation
Was in order.
He told me I could touch him,
and I don’t think he understood that bodies are just beautifully boring to me,
that I only wanted to be touched, to be loved, as I was told a woman should be.
And he did it right, as friends might say.
And that was a passion that I needed to brave.
 
But it wasn’t mine and it wasn’t love
and I couldn’t sexually attract myself to him 
and I couldn’t want to give a fuck.
But it was a needing to want him to fuck me 
because of what I knew was heteronormativity.
The knowing isn’t enough,
because I also knew that this was right.
This was the only way
a woman can be happy.

My stomach roiled some hours into the darkness 

of my nakedness and a lack of discomfort with him
and the presence of discomfort with myself.
Laying with this thing I have to be 
to be happy 
when in all actuality
I exist as I am 
and am whole as I am 
and happy as I am 
if I could accept how I am
without the fucking vibes.

Published by aaaliteraryjournal

A literary journal dedicated to Asexual, Aromantic, and Agender storytelling, through poetry, essays, fiction, creative nonfiction, etc. We will publish on our page when submissions are open. You may now also follow us on Twitter at @AaaLiterary.

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